Yesterday, I discussed some of the theological issues I was struggling with as I begin to work through the healing process brought about by the church I was working for. Struggling with these issues has led me to question traditional theological systems and to lean towards open theology. A few people commented on that post either here or in a private message. I appreciate the time and effort people took in their responses.
Today, I want to touch on another issue that I have been struggling with: How can you worship with a group of people you are angry with?
Let’s be honest, describing how I felt as “anger” is softening the blow to the congregation. Pissed off at is more like it.
In the four months between the decision to let me go and my last day, I can count on one hand how many times I actually sat in the pews. I was not sharing the peace because that would mean I would have to forgive the people I was mad at, and at that point in time, I wasn’t ready to forgive them. I probably took communion about as often; because I wasn’t reconciled with my brothers and sisters, I could not be reconciled with God. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do anything church related. I sat in my office and did a variety of things, none of which related to the service.
Those four months were pretty hard. Very few people from the congregation asked why I wasn’t in worship. Only one invited me to join them for communion. So on top of being angry, I felt abandoned by the one group of people who should have been supporting me the most.
Where does this leave me now? In all honesty, I haven’t been to church in two weeks (I was travelling.) My wife and I are going to start looking for a new church to worship at, we just haven’t begun at this point. I want a place where I can heal, hear the Gospel preached, and, when I’m ready, take communion again.